Hare Krsna Maharaj, PAMHO, AGTSP
previous report on node: 10327
i am writing to you because I was suppose to write you in two weeks. Hence I am writing.
i can see your austerity in preaching, traveling, meeting devotees, taking classes, consultation, organizing, etc....
i will be frank with you, we are tired and see any point in continuing Krsna consciousness the way its going, its just ritualistic. It seems the city life , city mindset and city job is sucking our energy. roughly 9 hours of work is a big problem it seems especially in Univ ambience and esp with the academic literature we have to study. We dont like to study that literature. We see futility of our existence devoting 9 hours to it.
HpS - You are intelligent guy. So you are probably right. It is futile, but is there a FRUITFUL existence. We got back to Tennessee. It was so nice to be 'home'. We had problems immediately. Back window was blasted out of the Mercedes. Had twenty five unanswered letters. One was from Social Security demanding a personal interview in June and then a cancellation of our old age benefits. Then the State cancelled our medical benefits because of that, but we are in our home so much easier to work on the problems. One day for Social Security. Benefits quickly reestablished and they say Tennessee Medical will follow auto matically. Then next day back window. Six hours of work but go it done.
So, we are facing problems too. Biggest problem was just like yours.
The second day back we were exhausted. Weak. Could only chant a few rounds, but next day some energy returned, and we chant when we can. It is work, but the result is so much interior strength, intelligence. Some times we have to chant slowly just moving our lips and tongue. Ooof, but if we put 16-rounds before any other priority all the rest will fall in place.
we live like a zombie, no one to talk to about devotional service directly.. Our violence with wife has not gone away. It erupts every now and then though frequency has decreased. Somehow can not tolerate her criticism and can not even forget dreadful past we had along with devotional activities. Wife was chanting but left it due to our mis behaviour. fought in front of kids, neighbors, parents etc
may be are trying to be too much of devotee in todays age and in our circumstances ( no example to look upon, no associate to reveal, non-offered diet, very little support from family).. may be just focus on getting mind control. thats it.
home responsibilities / no support / in-congruent academic literature is eating us. our body has broken many times, though strangely tummy size has increased. but feel very tired , demotivated mostly.
some days we can get our rounds and morning program done before breakfast. but other days thing are just dancing on fire/ fire fighting. tired body and mind. we agree we are living value incongruent life may be due to want of money.
we figure if want to live properly in our circumstances, need to wake up at 230, get 8 rounds and arti done before wife and kid wake up. then do little pranayam, exercise, reading, planning, misc activities, then study empirical or demoniac literature, then 9 hours office, back to home. we get tured a lot in betwee. office people can not afford/tolerate us resting in Office hours. by night we are dead. eat and sleep if fortunate and alarm working, get up at 230 again, otherwise just wake up before family todo mangal arti. but then chanting is missed.
we do think we can not continue to breathe this way, either of family/job/ rituals/body/mind has to change.
i know as sannyasi , you are not suppose to talk regarding this matter. but most of grhasthas have given up our case it seems. or we dont know the one till now, may be we are not sincere enough to get the one.
dont know even if we are making sense.
HpS - I remember one time Sridhara Swami, Srila Prabhupada's esteemed Godbrother said that in all case we just have to go on. If the soul is really an eternal servant of Krsna, then it will react a certain way. We may doubt it and try to find success in material life. Cheap and become rich and satisfy family, but if it really is servant of Krsna, then all these things will be unsatisfying, though we may try to lie to others and our selves, but we just have to regroup our army, and go back after the problem
- Get an Acharya eg. Jesus Christ or A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami
- Ask from him how to wake up.
- Formally matriculate (eg. Prabhupada 16-rounds, 4-principles)
So, fix four rounds/day until your next letter and do them. O.K.?